PPC: Suspended In Isolation
by meekerbeeker
Summary: PPC Assassins Sarah and Alana must face Menkaure, an elemental bender with crystal blue eyes, the ability to control water, the love of Legolas, and a strange desire to randomly spout faux wisdom.
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.

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Chapter 1

Sarah felt irritable. It wasn't because she was currently attempting to balance a large tiger pelt. It wasn't even because the said pelt had covered her in blood, or because their console let out an obnoxious beep the moment they stepped in the room. The real reason for her mood was that she had just stubbed her toe, tripped, and now a warg was growling at her for stepping on its… ok, _her_… tail.

"For the love of Eru Alana, call off your warg!"

_Or you could apologise._

"Since when do _you_ talk? Er, sort of talk. Or something." The assassin was still rather confused on the method of communication used by the SO (Sunflower Official) and the various array of Plants In Charge around here.

Alana looked as though Christmas had come early. Or would have, had she liked Christmas. "Zenith! Did MakesThings equip you with telepathic crap? And a universal translator chip?"

_That's be it, but What'sHerName said warg language not translate into English well._

"Well, you don't have hands, so you can't exactly manage PPC equipment, but now you can come along with us! Wait… no pets are allowed, and you may count as one. But you can hang out here and keep an eye on things."

"Oh joy," Sarah mumbled very quietly, climbing to her feet. Alana glared.

_I think there is message waiting. And mission. What'sHerName gave me inf…informashan to read on PPC while you gone. _

Alana glanced at the screen. "Ok, we have a problem."

"What's up?" The older assassin motioned toward the console.

**To PPC Response Center 83:**

**Please come to the mail depot _immediately _to claim your box.**

**Before everything goes up into flames.**

**-Sincerely,  
**

**L. Otik, Mail Depot**

"And we've got a mission. And we've got to get the tiger to MakesThings lab so it'll dry. And my CAD that the Sue managed to break with Boromir's horrible character rupture. You, Sarah, pick up whatever's at the mail depot. I'll take the fur. Meet back here in five minutes?"

"Right."

* * *

Sarah approached the mail depot with trepidation. She raised her hand to knock, but it quickly swung open. She found herself ushered inside by Otik, a very hassled looking, seven foot tall piece of… wood.

_Please get it out of here. Now. _He gestured toward a large smoking box, equipped with holes. Air holes. Sarah's puzzled expression was immediately replaced with one of delight. Hastily pulling out one of her throwing knives, she managed to rip apart the duct tape in under ten seconds. And out emerged…

"Udomiel!"

And with that, Sarah threw her arms around the mini-Balrog.

* * *

Mini-Balrogs don't speak, but for all that, Udomiel and Zenith seemed to be getting along beautifully. A warg contentedly curled up on a bear skin rug in a corner (with cute-animal-friend feathers still sticking to its mouth) alongside a mini, who is quietly snoozing on its fireproof blanket, is not a sight to be missed.

The two agents were now quietly preparing for their next mission. Unfortunately, there had been no time to shower off. Sarah in particular _hated _this. A change of new clothes doesn't do you a whole lot of good if your body is covered with blood and grime.

"Incredible. She spells Tolkien's name wrong in her disclaimer. How fitting."

Sarah laced her throwing knives with poison and said nothing.

"And she's… ok, looks like we've got a Japanese culture obsessed author, and when I say obsessed, I don't mean into obscure anime. That makes sense. I mean that she likes _Avatar: The Last Air Bender_.

"Sad."

"And the Sue is trained in the arts of the samurai. And she's got two sisters, they're all identical triplets. But they figure the ring doesn't really have anything to do with them, so they don't go with the Fellowship. Anyhow, it's a Legomance, the usual." Alana brought up a portal. "We're going to skip over their childhood and training and crap, it's only two chapters anyway. Disguise… orcs."

"Rivendell, here we come."

* * *

Apparently, there was an Autumn Feast, a sign of **_slow preparation for the Spring_**. Despite the fact that there was still a whole season to go before spring. "Put that on the charge list," muttered Alana. "Time distortion."

"Look, it's Legolas!"

"What in Eru's name is he _wearing_?"

It was a very valid question. In the words of the author…

_**He was clad in many shades of green with a few hints of blue, all covered with a cape, that almost looked like it was silver, the way it gleamed in the sunlight.**_

Sarah and Alana were well trained. Like every other employee of the PPC, they had been shown the infamous No-Drool videos… which were _very _effective. However, it was a fortunate thing that Legolas wore a cape which covered everything, because no female who finds males attractive could be expected not to ogle Legolas clad only in **_shades of green_**. Enough said.

"Council's about to start."

The assassins took their places behind a handy bush. Alana read over what they had missed. "Did you know that there are plains just outside Rivendell?"

"Reading these things can't be healthy."

Menkaure, the Mary-Sue, was busy telling her sisters to be quiet and stop staring. Apparently, despite being identical twins, they all had different eyes. One had burgundy, the other sage green. Unsurprisingly, the Mary-Sue's were **_a crystal-blue, almost silver if the light was in the right angle, and she could've sworn that her oldest daughter's eyes flashed with serenity, hope and beauty beyond anything seen before. Almost like a Celestial Being that came from the Heavens _**according to their mother. The flashing serenity, hope and all of that gave the agents a headache.

Annoyingly, the ring didn't seem to have the same affect on Mary-Sue as it did on everyone else. **_Something was tugging at her heart, telling her to leave at once. _**"I wish she _would_ leave."

Alana glanced down. The Sue was looking at each individual and reading their character. Wonderful. And then…

"…_**it is evil", she barely spoke above a whisper.**_

"_**You think that using what the enemy has made will make you stronger? Do you think that something that the enemy has created will protect you from them? Do you know what happens when something the enemy falls into good hands? It turns them evil; it turns you against your allies. It clouds your mind, making you want to become a part of the enemy, wanting you to do its bidding. Using you so it can obtain what was lost. I would think it very unwise if you used that of which belongs to the enemy."**_

"Oh shut up. Nobody needs you here."

It seemed as thought the council would continue as it was meant to (in the movie anyway), despite the constant references to how attractive Legolas was, when Mekaure decided to ruin it all by joining the Fellowship.

_**She turned to her other sisters. All who had looks of deep malice etched on their faces.**_

"_**Will you not join me, sisters?"**_

"_**You offer help, when you do not know these people. And yet you talk to them as though you have known them your entire life."**_

"I agree," muttered Alana. "It's stupid." Sarah suddenly grinned.

"Hey, can I see that?"

"Be my guest."

Sarah skimmed over the words briefly. "Idea. I have an idea."

Alana briefly cringed as Elrond announced **_"Ten members. So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."_** Then she eyed her partner warily.

"What is it?"

"Sisters. Those sisters. You know how Upstairs promises vacation for recruiting?"

"Yeah…"

"So let's recruit them! We won't have enough of a charge list to kill them anyway. They come here because they were supposed to, but they don't mess with events, they don't stick their noses where they don't belong, they become enemies with their Mary-Sue sister… or at least they probably will, since they tell her as much, and they're perfect! Only downside is their powers over fire and earth."

"Could be useful for killing Mary-Sues. You may be onto something."

Sarah smiled. Of course she was. Then she tripped on a strategically placed plothole.

The world simply isn't fair.

* * *

Thankfully, the story had not lingered upon the Mary-Sue's time in Imladris. The agents had settled for portaling to Moria, where they now followed the Fellowship at a safe distance.

_**She answered with glee and was happy to see that other members of the fellowship took interest as a woman was ensnaring a powerful wizard with history of an unknown land.**_

"Is it just me, or was that an incredibly Sueish statement?"

_**She noticed that the Hobbits sat with ripe attention. They were captivated by her words, as she was captivated by how they could eat so much in one day. But her love for the Hobbits didn't go unnoticed.**_

"Ripe… ripe _what_? She did mean 'rapt' didn't she?

"She said ripe. Ripe attention."

The assassins listened grimly as she described her background, and everything that made her so speshul.

"_**The shrine in the back of the house was built for one sole purpose, to protect the inhabitants and keep evil away. The shrine was also protected by three legendary creatures. A Leviathan, a White Wolf, and a Phoenix. These creatures protected the shrine and also, even a mystery to me, the people who were born under their respective elements, Water, Earth and Fire. This was only the case if a family bore identical triplets of the same sex, be it either three girls or three sons, all with identical appearance and mental traits. Some cases were that the parents couldn't distinguish their own children apart. But our mother and father were the luck ones; for my sisters and my eyes are different from each other. My eyes are a crystal-blue that represent Water, thus I am the Leviathan. The middle sister, Maharet, her eyes are piercing emerald green, thus she represents Earth and the White Wolf. Miya, her eyes are burgundy, thus she represents Fire and the Phoenix."**_

"You realise that's physically impossible? If they're identical, they have the same genes. Not all of the same DNA but the part that codes for your eyes."

"Stop looking for logic in these stories. It's taking a vacation."

Much to their dismay, the Mary-Sue explained that she had some sort of sacred water within her that healed her of any wound she received. Or something equally ridiculous. "Shit. Another magical healer."

And then, Gandalf **_pondered this until it hurt for him to think._** "She's turned Gandalf into an idiot!" exclaimed Sarah. Alana looked, for lack of a better phrase, pissed off. And when Alana is pissed off, bad things happen.

Even more annoying was the Mary-Sue's attempt to sound wise through use of stupid metaphors.**_ "And I thought Elves were not fond of Dwarves, I see you captivated by this underground city as though a child captivated by pastries shown to him through glass."_**

_Really _stupid.

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The Author's Note: It may take a bit of time for the next chapter to go up, due final exams. However, the more reviews I get, the more I'm inclined to post… wink wink And if you don't know what a mini-Balrog is, shame on you. Visit the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth. Or if you don't want to...

"For every name spelled wrong in 'Rings

A mini-Balrog gets its wings."


	2. Part 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.

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Chapter 2

Sarah looked down at her carbonated water with disappointment. "It's not cold."

"What did you expect?" Alana was on edge. She hated enclosed spaces. It wasn't exactly claustrophobia; it was more about the air. It all felt so stuffy, so… unhealthy. She had spent most of her life on the coast, so her lungs didn't really seem to adjust well to dank, musty surroundings.

Sarah was bothered for an entirely different reason. Like Alana, it wasn't about being walled in. As a matter of fact, large open spaces disturbed her, so she normally would have felt right at home. The trouble was not one she liked to admit… she was afraid of the dark. Fortunately, she had become a master at concealing this particular fear; she was, after all, an adult. No matter how much her behavior may indicate otherwise.

The bottle emitted a small hiss as she twisted the lid off, resulting in a furtive 'shhhh!' from Alana. The Fellowship's journey through Moria seemed to be taking a grand total of one day, and they were following at a safe distance behind the others. "Time… Distortion…Mark… Two," Alana was heard to mutter as she made a note in her notebook.

"At least this Sue isn't too bad," Sarah murmured. Alana nodded in agreement.

"Although you've got to admit, almost any Sue is going to look good in comparison after that Rose/Kat."

"No kidding."

Nonetheless, Menkaure _was _a Mary-Sue, in the flesh.

_**He felt her squeeze his hand, and in return squeezed hers. She looked at him with a loving expression. One that could be described between two lovers.**_

Sarah mimed throwing up. Alana decided not to show her the description of Legolas's bit of lusting after the Mary-Sue's beauty. She was quickly growing sick of the conviction of Suethors that elves were, for lack of a better word, shallow. Being pretty did _not _make you shallow, no matter how much most cheerleaders might indicate otherwise.

The assassins patiently waited outside the barricaded door in order to join the **_orks_** which were about to swarm the Fellowship. Apparently, orcs no longer dwelt in Moria. Sarah shot a questioning glance at her partner, who put a finger to her lips. Giving up any attempt to understand what Alana was on about, she close her eyes and counted mini-Balrogs jumping over a mini-abyss.

"They don't need your super-powers to protect them bitch."

"Ten mini-Balrogs, eleven mini-Balrogs..."

There was a loud noise as the door was smashed in.

Sarah paused to say, "Charge her for creating a new species. Not only are they **_orks_**, but their skin's… dead. And what's wrong with their teeth?"

"They're **_rooting out of their heads_**."

"Rooting?!"

"Rooting." And with a fierce gleam in her eye, Alana drew her battle axe and entered the throng. Sarah, after giving her partner's back a perplexed look, shrugged her shoulders, downed a swig of the bubbly water, and followed.

Battle is scarcely less dangerous if the participants cannot see you. Of course, this wasn't a _proper _battle, but that didn't make the swinging weapons any less sharp, or the lumbering trolls weigh less should they care to step on you. Sarah was not exactly a coward, but she didn't see any sense in getting killed just to… what _was _Alana up to anyway? She wasn't killing anything, or anyone. Deciding that being a pansy wasn't such a bad idea, she settled herself out of sight of the Mary-Sue, who would notice that she was the only orc… goblin… whatever… alive once the others were dead, and munched some popcorn.

Meanwhile, Alana was being far more productive. The Mary-Sue had her precious Leggykins to protect her, but until she was pointed out, precious Leggykins wouldn't notice the assassin. And until then, she had time to work some mischief.

Menkaure had retreated to the other side of the room. Alana didn't have time to check what she was up to, but was relieved to see that she had abandoned her things. Swiftly, she snapped on a pair of latex gloves she had thought to bring and retrieved a vial from her pocket. She unscrewed the lid and poured the contents into the Mary-Sue's bag. And smiled.

Raise your hand if you have ever seen an orc, wearing white rubber surgical gloves, give a grin that can only be described as maniacal.

_**Although the quantity of the water was very small, Menkaure formed a small tidal wave from the ground itself. She waved her arms in circular motion in front of her, the water forming a small wave. When there was enough water to take out her enemy, she pushed with such great force, that even the ground shook. In an instant, the enemy was taken down, all the filth that entered the room crushed beneath the water's pressure, was washed away.**_

Alana swore as she saw the Mary-Sue doing her arm flapping routine. She should have seen this coming. She couldn't abandon her partner, because Sarah didn't have the Remote Activator. She reached into her bag and pulled out her 'real elvish rope' that she had filched long ago from Lothlorien. She looped it around a rock and tied a rolling hitch knot (God bless her brother's years of Boy Scouts). Fastening it to her waist, she turned to face the oncoming wave.

Sarah saw the tidal wave just as well as Alana had. Unlike Alana, her body did not react as though it had a mind of its own, and so it was a good thing that she was remarkably close to Aragorn. Reasoning that the Mary-Sue wouldn't wash away the Fellowship, she edged next to him. And resisted the urge to take the opportunity to ogle, no matter how tempting it may be. She closed her eyes and waited for the rush of water. It didn't come.

What happened next was rather surreal. Alana, who had grown up with the ocean and, although she was nothing special, was a more than capable surfer, did exactly what one should do when facing rough surf. She sprang forward and dove _into_ the wave. As it turned out, this wasn't really necessary. Despite all of the taking down the enemy, there was no mention of the wave touching them. And since none of the Fellowship had been touched, the Gods of fanfiction had evidently taken matters into their own hands. All of the **_filth _**was gone, that much was certain. In fact, the room was sparkling clean. Every speck of dirt had been washed away. And then, when the story stated that **_all the negative energy that she received upon leaving Rivendell was washed away like the orcs were_**, the orcs (which were no longer **_orks_**), disappeared. Sometimes the results of these fanfictions translating into reality were just _weird_.

Alana picked herself up and rubbed her head, creeping behind a rock as the Fellowship ran past. Despite the part where she wasn't dead, the water hadn't been merciful. She grimaced as she brought her hand away and looked at it. Blood.

"Alana!"

She turned to see Sarah running toward her, looking concerned. "You gonna be ok?"

"Fine." Despite this, it hurt like hell. Sarah, who had practically grown up in her father's hospital, quickly saw through this bluff.

"Bullshit. We've got to disinfect it."

"No, we really don't. No time."

"Don't be daft," Sarah snapped. She had the tendency to make a point of not disagreeing with the older assassin, since she was more than a little scared of being on her bad side. But she knew from experience that people could be stupid when they were sick or injured. And it was moments such as these which brought out her maternal side (bred from being twelve years her sister's senior). She rummaged in her bag for a moment, emerging with First Aid Kit in hand. Alana shook her head forcefully, and then winced.

"Leave me alone. I'm fine." Sarah chose to ignore this. Instead, she settled for tugging Alana into a seated position on Balin's tomb.

"Am I going to have to sit on you?"

Their eyes met, and Alana glared. Sarah glared right back, although hers held a far more friendly feel to it. Eventually, Alana dropped her gaze. It was entirely plausible that this was the first time she had allowed herself to lose in a battle of will. Sarah didn't bother rubbing it in (as she would have done otherwise), and soon busied herself with bottled water, Betadine, and bandages.

"So what happened anyway?"

"How was I supposed to know the wave wouldn't hurt me? Dove into- damn, that hurt!- it. I think I hit my head on a rock– ow!- or something," Alana mumbled, closing her eyes.

"We're lucky you didn't get it worse."

"We?"

"Yes, we. Not only are you my mate, but I'd hate to have to finish this mission by myself. Especially without you to make your snide comments," Sarah said seriously.

Alana opened her mouth, and then closed it, unsure whether she had been complimented or insulted. Then she swore violently. "What are you pouring on my head, acid?"

"I'm not even going to answer that question. What's up next, portalling to Lothlorien?"

Alana frowned and squinted at the words. "Yeah. Ironically, she almost drowns while bathing because of sheer stupidity. Apparently, she can't Bend water when she's cold. We'll get her then."

"Have you thought of how we're going to kill her?"

"I have."

* * *

_**She needed some one who was wise, who would show her the way out of this bottomless hole that she had begun to dig for herself. The other members didn't understand, they didn't know what it felt like to be utterly alone. When this journey was over, if they were successful, at least they had homes and families to go back to. At least they knew that there were people waiting their return.**_

"Poor baby. She's only on a quest that she volunteered for and most fangirls would die to go on." The assassins were lazily sitting by the stream of 'freezing water' which ran through Lothlorien, awaiting their Sue's arrival. Sarah had taken the opportunity to get a much-needed bath, seeing as she was still filthy from their last mission, and was now sprawled out in a patch of sun to dry. The water _was _cold.

"Does she ever actually stop whinging?"

"Let's see… no. And she throws up from eating a corner of lembas bread."

Sarah abruptly sat up. "You've got to be _kidding_." At that moment, Princess arrived for her bath.

_**She dunked her head in the freezing water, running her hands through her hair as she did so. Resurfacing, the cold air blasting on her made her yelp.**_

Sarah frowned. "It doesn't feel cold to me out here. Pleasantly warm I'd say." Alana shrugged.

"Well, I guess the air feels cold once you get out of cold water. Still, it's a stretch."

"Why's she refusing to take her clothes off? Skinny dipping is _fun_."

"You are so weird."

_**Tying her sash to a low branch that hung over her, she resumed bathing. Just as she was about to get out, her sash came undone and the current pushed her away from the small rocks that made up the shore of the stream.**_

The assassins sprang from their position behind some nearby trees, and sprinted after her along the shore. Apparently, despite her lungs filling with water, she could still yell.

"Go get her!"

"You get her!"

"I just dried off. For Eru's sake, stop being a pansy."

This continued for a few moments, when the assassins realised that the Mary-Sue was drifting away. Defeated, Sarah waded in after her and covered her mouth with a swift movement. Dragging her onto shore, Sarah sat down with a thump, gasping from the cold.

"You want to charge her, or should I?"

"I-I ccccan bbarrrely…"

"Ok. Menkaure, First and foremost, you are charged with being a Mary-Sue. This includes, but is not limited to, flashing serenity, hope, and beauty eyes… I know it doesn't make sense, which is the problem. It pisses me off. Also, being picked on for your beautiful looks (which aren't like anyone else in the family apparently, despite you having two identical sisters) by your cousins, being an expert at the samurai sword at the age of 18, being a Water Bender- couldn't you at least be a little more creative with your super power?- having some healing water in you that doesn't even make sense- Sarah, dunk her in the water, she's coming round properly and I don't want to be hit by a tidal wave- , joining the Fellowship for no reason… _nine_! Not ten! Can't forget your little God guarding you, or whatever the hell it is…oh, and forcing Legolas to fall in love with you, despite barely knowing you. Other charges are mainly two accounts of time distortion, the invention of a new species (orks), and the inability to figure out if you're Egyptian, or Japanese, or what. Admittedly, your powers _are _flawed and have limits, but it doesn't make up for everything else. Although I do thank you for the decent grammar. Still, Sarah's going to kill you now. Any last words?"

"I desire to live! I want to learn-"

She was abruptly cut off by a swift dagger to the heart. Sarah gave a satisfied smile.

"The dagger _does _have poison doesn't it?"

"Of course. Let her heal the wound all she wants. Won't do a damned thing." With a cheerful whistle, Sarah swung the unconscious (and soon to be dead) Sue over her shoulder. Alana opened a portal and stepped through.

"It's dark! Where the hell are we?"

"Trust me, you don't want to know. Drop the Sue, and let's go." Sarah had learned long ago that it was best not to question orders in the face of the unknown, and quickly complied. Another portal opened, this one leading to Rivendell.

"One word: Ungoliant," Alana said in response to Sarah's questioning look once they were through.

"Ah. Look, it's the Bending Sisters!"

The assassins stepped directly in their path, arms raised in a non-threatening gesture. After all, there were still super-elemental powers to be dealt with. Unsurprisingly, the two girls looked alarmed. One is generally not confronted by goblins in Rivendell. They lifted their own arms, but given what Menkaure had been able to do, this was not exactly comforting.

"We come in peace, with a message!" exclaimed Sarah grandly. "Or rather, an offer."

The sisters regarded the ugly creatures in front of them suspiciously. "What do you want?" snapped Miya.

"You don't belong here," Sarah explained. "We're supposed to kill you. But we don't really have much in the way of a charge list. And you didn't stick your noses where they don't belong like your sister did. So we'd like to offer you a job."

"What sort of job?"

"You'll find out," Sarah said cheerfully. Alana didn't bother saying anything. She had never been very good at the whole 'friendly' thing. "Right now, it's that or die. And trust me; the job's a better option. You'll get to travel, have passably edible food…"

"How can we trust someone that looks like _you_?" demanded Miya. Sarah gave a non-committal shrug.

"You don't have to. Although if it helps, these are just disguises."

The sisters spoke amongst themselves, and then nodded. "If you can offer us proof that-" Maharet began, but was interrupted by a cheerful, "Great!" from Sarah. Before they had any idea what was going on, they were shoved through a portal into PPC HQ. Somewhere, a warg growled at the intruders. And for a split second, all was peaceful in the Lord of the Rings Continuum.

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The Author's Note: We've got recruits! Of course, they're virtual, but it _does _mean a pay raise from Upstairs. This one wasn't really so terrible, but Menkaure annoyed me. Sorry for the delay, but final exams led to being sick and miserable, and then I had no internet for a while. I probably should also take this opportunity to apologise for the writing quality in this chapter. Most of it was written somewhere around midnight several days in a row. /excuses Reviews are greatly appreciated (they make me happy), and feel free to suggest any Lord of the Rings Mary Sues that are begging to be killed. _

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